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i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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