My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
