I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
