Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
