A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
this hospital has no fireball
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
