Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
