I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
