I am puke
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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