i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
are you so shy because you have an std?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
