I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
