I am puke
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
