I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
