I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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