Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
