I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
please come you make the beer taste better
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Randomize
