Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
