I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
