You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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