i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I need to stop coming to work sober
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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