Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
