Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize