Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
