I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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