I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
