my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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