so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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