Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
