No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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