I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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