It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
