"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
