Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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