I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's official drugs can't kill me
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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