I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
