Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
