Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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