I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
