Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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