I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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