I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
