I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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