i don't plan on having that self control this summer
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i barfeds in our rink
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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