Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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