Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hippo gnu deer
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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