the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
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