i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
