I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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