I can tuck mytits in my pants
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize