all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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