I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's blow job season.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize