i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
