I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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