I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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