Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My penis needs a shock collar
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
