So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
