i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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