Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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