Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
